My last 2004 album is one I have heard before, but only once. It made an impression on me not because I found it any good, but because it epitomized the idea of a critical darling that I find unlistenable. A true emperor’s new clothes situation.
A Grand Don’t Come For Free is the sophomore album by English rapper Mike Skinner, who records under the band name The Streets. It’s a concept album that follows a young man’s exploits in losing a thousand pounds and trying to earn it back. Upon release it was hailed as one of the best albums of the year.
The glowing reviews had this album high on my wish list and I was thrilled to receive it as a gift from my sister. I eagerly fired up the CD and sat dumbfounded listening to a spoken-word narrative over repetitive beats. I don’t think I made it through three tracks before skipping ahead to see if that’s all it had to offer. Indeed it was.
Almost 20 years later, the album makes no more sense to me than it did the first time.
What is it about this project that appealed to so many critics? The storytelling? The uniqueness of the concept? It can’t be enjoyment of the experience of actually listening to it, which — call me crazy — is still the most important thing I look for in an album.
I guess that’s why I’m a fan and not a critic.
That wraps up this installment of Decades. Stay tuned in a month or two when I circle back and take a look at 1975.
It was supposed to be so easy
[Verse 1]
Just take back the DVD
Withdraw that extra money
Tell Mum I wouldn’t be back for tea
Then grab my savings and hurry
So first to get the film back in time
To avoid that big fine
I had to do a fast hill climb but I fasted the climb
But I flew a bit quick, arms like a lunatic
I had to stop for a few ticks
I started feeling sick
Got to the video shop in a state
But chuffed it wouldn’t be late
Only when he flicked open the case
I’d left the disc at my place
[Chorus]
Today I have achieved absolutely nowt
In just being out of the house, I’ve lost out
If I wanted to end up with more now
I should have just stayed in bed like I know how
[Verse 2]
So I failed on the DVD
But I still had to get the money
Tell Mum I couldn’t make tea
Get the savings and then hurry
Rushin’ to the cash machine
Still a bit mashed and lean
Then of course a mandatory car
Drives by and splashes me
Get there the queue’s outrageous
Ladies taking ages
My rage is blowing gauges
How long’s it take to validate your wages?
At last my turn comes
Press the fifty squid button: insufficient funds
[Chorus]
Today I have achieved absolutely nowt
In just being out of the house, I’ve lost out
If I wanted to end up with more now
I should have just stayed in bed like I know how
[Verse 3]
So I failed on the DVD
Couldn’t withdraw any money
But I still had to call Mum
Get the savings, and then hurry
So to call my mum so that
I could tell her I can’t go and that
At least I remembered my phone, man
I didn’t know her number offhand
Where’s my phone, have I got it?
Oh, this is a crock of shit!
I lost the fucking thing!
Oh, here it is in my pocket
But the battery’s nearly flat
Gotta call, quick snap
Aw, shit, the battery is flat
[Chorus]
Today I have achieved absolutely nowt
In just being out of the house, I’ve lost out
If I wanted to end up with more now
I should have just stayed in bed like I know how
[Verse 4]
So I’ve failed on the DVD
Couldn’t withdraw any money
Or call Mum about tea
I’ll have to get the savings and hurry
But where was the money?
I knew I’d left it on the
Side, next to the telly
This is not even funny
I left it in the living room
Ready to pick up as soon
As I passed through
On the way out to the rendezvous
So the shoebox full of money
Just disappearing from me
Was not what I call funny
A grand don’t come for free
[Chorus]
Today I have achieved absolutely nowt
In just being out of the house, I’ve lost out
If I wanted to end up with more now
I should have just stayed in bed like I know how
[Outro]
Oi, soaked to the bone in me jeans
Do you want me to stop?
I imagine my mum’s weeping right now
And the thousand pounds you swore
That I left on the table this morn
Has simply disappeared right before
My eyes, his eyes, and yours
And I’m a thousand pound poorer
Hundred thousand pennies, no more
A thousandth of a million squid or two monkeys
Or a whole fifty scores
Gone, withdrawn from my life
The money is no more for sure
It was supposed to be so easy
Meet Me In Montauk 
I guess this wasn’t the best gift. Did you ever tell Amy how you felt about the album? If not, I guess she knows now!