Fiona’s final Smiths selection is one I did introduce to her (after she expressed an interest in the band). ‘Half a Person’ is an obscure B-side that shows up on the compilation Louder Than Bombs and it’s a favorite of mine.
The song finds Morrissey recounting the story of a girl he obsessed over when he was a teenager, only to hear from her years later and find that she is unimpressed with his now-famous self.
‘Half a Person’ contains one of my favorite Morrissey deliveries, of these lyrics: “And if you have five seconds to spare, then I’ll tell you the story of my life / Sixteen, clumsy and shy, that’s the story of my life.” He perfectly captures the state of arrested adolescence so many of us can return to in a flash.
I also love the self-deprecating opening lines, “call me morbid, call me pale.” There probably aren’t many things you could call this guy that he hasn’t already called himself.
Call me morbid, call me pale
I’ve spent six years on your trail
Six long years on your trail
Call me morbid, call me pale
I’ve spent six years on your trail
Six full years of my life on your trail
[Bridge]
And if you have five seconds to spare
Then I’ll tell you the story of my life
[Chorus]
Sixteen, clumsy and shy
I went to London and I
I booked myself in at the Y.W.C.A
I said “I like it here, can I stay?
I like it here, can I stay?
Do you have a vacancy for a back-scrubber?”
[Verse 2]
She was left behind and sour
And she wrote to me equally dour
She said “In the days when you were hopelessly poor
I just liked you more”
[Chorus]
And if you have five seconds to spare
Then I’ll tell you the story of my life
[Chorus]
Sixteen, clumsy and shy
I went to London and I
I booked myself in at the Y.W.C.A
I said “I like it here, can I stay?
I like it here, can I stay?
And do you have a vacancy for a back-scrubber?”
[Verse 3]
Call me morbid, call me pale
I’ve spent too long on your trail
Far too long chasing your tail
[Bridge]
And if you have five seconds to spare
Then I’ll tell you the story of my life
[Chorus]
Sixteen, clumsy and shy that’s the story of my life
Sixteen, clumsy and shy, the story of my life
[Outro]
That’s the story of my life
That’s the story of my life
That’s the story of my life, the story of my life
That’s the story of my life
That’s the story of my life
That’s the story of my life
That’s the story of my life
That’s the story of my life
Meet Me In Montauk 
She was left behind and sour
And she wrote to me equally dour
She said “In the days when you were hopelessly poor
I just liked you more”
The best Smiths lyrics of all time. I am aware that I’ve said that a few times already, but I really mean it every time! Fiona and I have blasted this song in the car many times, and many more to come!
I can see how the lyrics and story told in this song would appeal to you and your girls.
I am very glad this was introduced to me because it has quickly risen in my Smith’s song rankings. This one means a lot to me because at the time I first heard it I was in fact “16, clumsy, and shy.” I think this a good way to end off my contribution for this week.
I have really enjoyed learning and listening to your takes on this group The Smiths!