Befitting its chamber music orchestration, The Juliet Letters contains quite a few sad songs. But Costello does find room for a couple of funny ones.
Among those is ‘I Almost Had a Weakness,’ a caustic letter from a dying aunt to the suddenly sycophantic relatives who would lay claim to her fortune.
I’ve often wondered what the songs from this album would sound like done in a more traditional fashion, with, say, The Attractions backing Costello instead of The Brodsky Quartet. I assume he’s played at least a few of these songs in concert over the years, but I don’t own any of those recordings.
This song, in particular, seems so well-suited to its string arrangement that I can’t imagine it any other way. If anybody knows of a bootleg version featuring guitar, bass and drums, please send it my way.
I threw them on the fire
And I burned the photographs that you had enclosed
God they were ugly children
So you’re the little bastard of that brother of mine
Trying to trick a poor old woman
‘Til I almost had a weakness
Last week Cousin Florence
Bit your Uncle Joe
Hit him on the forehead with a knife and a fork
She said that he looked like the devil
Then she said… pass the vinegar
I’m beginning to think
I’m the only one who hasn’t taken to the drinking of it
Though I almost had a weakness
It pains me to mention
These delicate concerns
While I have to tolerate you family jewels
I really mustn’t grumble
‘Cause when I die the cats and dogs will jump up and down
And you little swines will get nothing
Though I almost had a weakness
Meet Me In Montauk 
This is actually one of my favorite tracks from this album. I’ve always found the string homage to Bugs Bunny amusing, though I’m not sure if it was intentional.
And while there may be alternate versions of this song out there, I agree that it is hard to imagine it being more effective than the stringed version.